Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Why I Walked Away from Work

It seemed like the only logical thing to do.  I couldn't have done any better: I had a good attitude, I showed up every day, I was prioritizing and planning my work, I had great working relationships with many people at the company.  But not with all people.

The truth is that I recognized the pattern - the repetitive ups and downs - of an abusive relationship with one person who had authority over my position.  Abuse is about enforcing power and control.  In this case, the working relationship was assumed to require that type of assertion over me because of organization structure (i.e. reporting structure).  In other words, I didn't qualify to be seen as a peer.

I had seen red flags throughout my tenure.  I thought the intention was simply professionalism but the result was attrition.  The relationship left me feeling stressed, shamed, upset, overworked, and unsupported.

I didn't care to repeat the cycle of periodic conversations of why despite my best efforts I may never attain long-term success in the role I held with the company.  Conversations in which one or two tactics to improve communication and performance would be identified.  I would implement them only to have another error crop up down the road.  Some might call it human error.  A business analyst, however, might identify the cause of my errors to be the outdated infrastructure and insanely high quantity of work.

Some might say I was weak, or I was wrong, or I was lazy.  But the truth is I believe I was doing a fantastic job.

Yet, I recognized that I wasn't doing a fantastic job at home.  I was hardly there.  I went to work early and came home late.  I was working on weekends.  When I was home I wanted my kids to go to sleep early so I could work at night.  My daughter started telling me, "Mom, it feels like you don't live with us anymore."

For a single parent family, what kind of life is that?  Kids don't see mom and mom doesn't see kids.  This equation cancels out family.

Family is the principle that allowed my kids and I to survive the hardest times we faced.  It is the guiding light for every step we have to take forward.  There's a proverb I will paraphrase: "You may travel fast alone, but you will travel far together".  I know who the most important people are in my life.

I know that I am a pretty awesome person as an individual and in the various roles I play.  I don't need a work related conversation about the odds of finding success to make me believe I can be successful.  Because, the truth is, I do my best, I have a good attitude, I make the most of every day, and I am able to recognize when I need to get my priorities straight.

It was a tough choice to walk away from a high paying job but it was the only logical thing to do.  It is impossible to rationalize with people who assert power and control over me.  It is even more impossible that I will stay in any relationship like that again.

And, the truth is, the most important work I will ever do is Parenting.