Mommy Machine

Single mother circumstances can change more quickly than technology can advance, and I have found myself surveying the results (some might say wreckage) of the whirlwind of the last several months.  I walked into my apartment on Sunday evening, with only my oldest child by by side since my three youngest are now being cared for Monday through Friday by their Nana, and I looked at an evergreen towel laying on my living room floor.  "I can pick that up" was my overwhelming thought; my multi-child storm had ceased.
Nevertheless, I endured the next 24 hours with an antagonizing sense that part of myself had been painfully detached.  Perhaps this was based on instinct, a longing for my cluster of little ones to flock around my feet like they normally do.  Perhaps this was guilt, as the new childcare arrangements have lifted huge burdens and I - as a individual human being - welcomed the reprieve; the stress of morning and evening childcare, fulltime work, and a budget with a bottom line that was sinking lower and lower into the red due to extraordinary daycare costs was all taking a toll on me, mentally, physically and emotionally.  The financial aspect was the instigator of this vast change, however, and I miss the hugs, cuddles and activity of my three boys. 
With their absence, and the quiet stillness that now fills my home, I have caught myself operating on the old default towards my daughter.  Words escape my lips in questions that ask, "Do you need_____?" It's symptomatic of a fullhouse lifestyle; I have been amped up to take care of my four little people like a Mommy Machine.
I now have an opportunity to power down and re-adapt to the other responsibilities in front of me.  For example, I will be preparing for a move this Summer to be closer to Nana so my boys can sleep in their own beds every night.  I have boxes that have yet to be unpacked and sorted through from my move last year, when I emptied the 5 bedroom house that could have been the Home where my kids were raised.  I have a six year old daughter living with me who has been through as much transition and upheaval as I have who will benefit from stability, functionality and positive interaction with her Mother, me.  This is a huge change.  Rewiring has begun!